Mel's Filk

Mel Tatum's Filk Lyrics

The Cell Phone Murders September 13, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — melissaltatum @ 4:46 am

The Cell Phone Murders
Words © 2010 Melissa L. Tatum
(can be sung to the tune of The Spoons Murder)

In a rest’raunt one night we were sitting
We had us a date night at last
A lovely merlot we were sipping
When the waiter he served our repast
As we gazed at the medium rare t-bones
A disturbing sound came to our ears
Some idjit nearby had a cell phone
And was talking so loud we could hear

He was seated alone at his table
And he gestured and talked to thin air
We heard all about his Aunt Mable
how his roses need real special care
When the topic became his dalmation
my patience flew out of the nest
I turned ‘round without hesitation
And plunged my steak knife in his chest.

The medics and police responded
They pronounced him dead at the scene
The court said to find a bail bondsman
And to show up when trial was convened
In an effort to forget my troubles
I went to the new movie show
My temper it started to bubble
When I heard from behind me “hello?”

In the movie a battle was raging
Behind me came yakkedy-yak
I felt myself start disengaging
And preparing to launch an attack
When the call droned on for ten minutes
My anger flared out of control
I stopped both the phone and its transmit
By using it to play whack-a-mole

Once again I was led out in handcuffs
Arrested and taken to court
Where the district attorney got real tough
determined such conduct to thwart
he charged me with first degree killing
and two counts of disturbing the peace
I found the whole process quite chilling
I vowed my behavior would cease

The next day I took my bike riding
When I suddenly found myself prone
I’d been struck by a woman who was driving
while she chatted on her mobile phone
When she got out to check on my welfare
And I saw she continued her chat
I decided right then and right there
I’d vanquish her just like a gnat

I grabbed for her spiffy new smart phone
And I took it right out of her hand
with my first blow I shattered her cheekbone
and she dropped like a rock to the sand
From there things become rather hazy
the details are distant and vague
I guess that I went sort of crazy
so much for my vow to behave

Once again I was led out in handcuffs
this time taken straight off to jail
At trial the DA huffed and he puffed
it was clear that he thought he’d prevail
Then it was time for my own attorney
to address the court, argue for me
he took the jurors on a journey
traveling through their memories

He pointed out all the occasions
that were ruined by idjits on phones
he wrapped up his brilliant summation
with the adage glass houses and stones
My attorney reminded the jury
that each action of mine was provoked
the verdict came back in a hurry
Self defense, not guilty they wrote.

From then on each time I appeared
I received rounds of grateful applause
the people they chanted and cheered
they called for a new special law
those who talk on their cell phone in public
will deserve whatever they get
be that lashing with tongue or with drumstick
you are strongly advised you should quit.

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Reach For the Stars October 29, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — melissaltatum @ 3:44 am

Reach For the Stars
by Mel Tatum
tto: Boy From New York City

note: tied for 3d place in 2009 OVFF Songwriting Competition

DA’s waiting, stalker chickie
Time to decide if you’re pleading guilty
I’m your lawyer, stalker chickie
It’s time you told me the whole story

Name is secret
Okay, Brad Pitt
He’s gonna leave his wife and all those kids
And there is Ben
he married Jen
But I know he’s really, truly in love with me
Reeeaaach, oh I reeaacch for the stars
They own my heart

I’m your lawyer, stalker chickie
You need to tell me the whole story

And Matt Damon
Private Ryan
One look from him my heart goes swoony-sigh
And Tom Hanks
well, I’ll be frank
His smile it oh, my, god, it turns my crank
Reeeaaach, oh I reeaacch for the stars
They own my heart

Ev’ry time I’m in their presence,
My heart goes pitter-pat
Just like a hound dog on a scent
I follow and take photographs

Oh my god you stalker chickie
they’ll lock you up and toss the key

Then I was served
with that order
The one that said to stay away or else
It’s the wives
It’s not my guys
Do you think I’ll get a chance to say goodbye?
Reeeaaach, oh I reeaacch for the stars
They own my heart

Listen to me, stalker chickie
You’re a weirdo, crazy, loony
Hear me tell you stalker chickie
Better hope the court shows mercy

 

My Star

Filed under: Uncategorized — melissaltatum @ 3:42 am

My Star
by Mel Tatum
tto: Flowers on the Wall

This eternal life, it is so different than I guessed
Nights are long, just endless stretches of loneliness
So to answer you, it’s not a life I recommend
I know that’s not what you expect, but I cannot pretend

Countin’ hours til I die
endless stars up in the sky
of but one star do I dream
that’s the one forbidden me
as the sun arrives, I slink away in secrecy
and that’s my life, for eternity

Tonight’s the same as any night, I crawl out of my lair
Then I hunt and then I feed and then I try to care
I wander ‘round from town to town, but they are all the same
At times I wonder whether I should even learn their names

Countin’ hours til I die
endless stars up in the sky
of but one star do I dream
that’s the one forbidden me
as the sun arrives, I slink away in secrecy
and that’s my life, for eternity

Well I must go, the fingers of the dawn reach for the sky
but I long for one more glimpse of sun before I die
God, I want to feel its rays caress my bloodless face
I hear it calling, so I stay here wrapped in its embrace

Countin’ minutes til I die
favorite star up in the sky
and no longer do I dream
this will be the end of me
as the sun arrives, I close my eyes, and feel its rays
and that’s the way, I greet the day

yes that’s the way, I greet the day

 

Home Repair September 25, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — melissaltatum @ 2:48 am

Home Repair
by Mel Tatum
tto: Lovely Ladies (from Les Mis)

Sheets of plywood
waiting in the drive
stacks of shingles, roofing nails
and oh dear god alive

Brand new nail gun
but it’s on the fritz
clear the barrel, pull the trigger
I can’t find the glitch

Which way means the safety thingy’s on?

CHORUS: Project waiting,
hear the siren sing
power tools and shiny screws
and nuts and bolts and things
Fix thing mend that
do it all day long
save some money, have some fun
whatever could go wrong?
Hear the distant sirens wail their song….

Shower head, it
trickles and it drips
got a fancy new one, it
has six speeds, it’s a pip

Got a wrench, this
time I read the book
got a step stool and
some extra light so I can look

Sweetheart, did you turn the water off?

CHORUS

Ceiling fan, we
need one in the den
spent the bucks for turbo speed
so I will put it in

Get my tool box
measured, cut the hole
lined up the tools I’ll need
this time I’m on a roll

Did you turn the circuit breaker off?

CHORUS

 

Twitter July 26, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — melissaltatum @ 11:47 pm

While this is not a true story, it is true that my husband is a Twitter addict and I have been known to say “Back away from the iPhone”

Twitter
by Mel Tatum
to the tune of Lucille (as sung by Kenny Rogers)

When I sneezed at his cologne, he took out his iPhone
and he started to peck at the keys
as I kept on sneezing
I saw he was tweeting
and he was ignoring my plight
as my eyes started to blur
He said I must twitter
that your brains just came out your nose
I’ll tell those who follow
you can’t even swallow
cuz that is the kind of thing they want to know

Through gray fading vision
I helplessly squinted
and thought of his priorities
His wife is not breathing
and he’s calmly tweeting
it’s cyber crack, e-heroin
It is so addictive
He’s lost all perspective
For a minute I thought I was dead
Then I started breathing
and soon I was seething
I turned to my husband and said

You picked a fine time to twitter, you jerk
I’m aspirating and my lungs will not work
Back off the iPhone
I’ll find it a new home
I’ll shove it where the sun doesn’t shine
you picked a fine time to twitter, you jerk

Once I recovered, I grabbed for his iPhone
it was time he went cold turkey
I looked for a hammer, he started to stammer
Now I was the one ignoring
And when I had finished, it lay there all squished
I wiped both my hands of debris
I was triumphant; he stood there struck dumb
I hollered with my victory

You picked a fine time to twitter, you jerk
I’m aspirating and my lungs will not work
Back off the iPhone
I’ll find it a new home
I’ll shove it where the sun doesn’t shine
you picked a fine time to twitter, you jerk

 

Number Four Privet Drive – with a NEW VERSE July 3, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — melissaltatum @ 6:08 pm

Number Four Privet Drive
by Mel Tatum
tto: Don MacLean’s “American Pie”

WARNING SPOILER ALERT WARNING SPOILER ALERT – critical plot elements (and much of the ending) of book seven of the Harry Potter series are mentioned in this song – WARNING SPOILER ALERT

JK Rowling wrote a tale we’ll all remember,
of those wizards, witches, magic lore.
Harry, Ron, Hermione, adventures they were guaranteed,
and maybe they’ll be able to win the war

Professor Snape he made us shiver;
Lord Voldemort had us all a-quiver
The Dursleys were insipid;
who didn’t love that Hagrid?

The sorting hat said Gryffindor;
we met Headmaster Dumbledore
The crowds at Quidditch they did roar,
Beware the hidden door, So bye-bye,

Number Four Privet Drive, no more Harry,
We can’t tarry now the end has arrived.
Wave to Dumbledore, Fred Weasley, Hedwig, Mad Eye
Sobbin’ “can’t believe we’re sayin’ goodbye”;
thankin’ God that Harry survived

Hogwart’s teachers are strange ones
Who would be yor-or favorite one?
Sprout was Herbology,
or Sybill “crazy” Trelawney
Or Horace Slughorn could it be?
Or even that McGonagall maybe?

You should watch out for that Hippogriff,
and centaurs must not be tangled with
and those flobberworms, just eeeww;
hey, avoid those blast-ended skrewts!

Draco Malfoy, he’s a slime;
Crabbe and Goyle they are never far behind
Hey, Salazar Slytherin kind, soon it will go awry,
you’ll join us cryin’ bye-bye

CHORUS

Moaning myrtle has the clue,
you need a basilisk tooth,
to breath just eat gillyweed,
accio it is the spell you need,
see a patronus, dementors flee;
expelliarmus it is handy

And the dragon who-oo caused such flack,
she was a Norwegian Ridgeback
Viktor Krum was adored;
Bill loves Fleur Delacour
Look at Harry kiss that girl Cho Chang,
that was before he was betrayed
Now his attention is waylaid, by Ginny Weasley!
We were cryin’, bye-bye

CHORUS

Winky, Dobby are house elves,
SPEW said free them to be themselves
No, wait the trophy’s a portkey;
Tom Riddle killed Cedric Diggory
then he turned to curse Harry,
who flees, only to face the fake Moody

Unleashed, the dementors hunt him down;
Minister Fudge is a clueless clown
Defense Club, it was banned,
Death Eaters walk the land
The Dailey Prophet is deranged;
and thanks to Bellatrix Lestrange
With her curse everything did change,
the day that Padfoot died,
We were cryin’ bye-bye

CHORUS

Now they are back for another year
Potions class it will hold no fear
thanks to the book of the Half-Blood Prince
But Draco he’s fixed that Cabinet
the one in the Room of Requirement
it’s the start of some terrible events

Dumbledore he’s tracked a Horcrux down
thanks to skill and luck they did not drown
But their luck, it unwound
once back on Hogwarts’ ground
Harry is frozen and he can’t respond
Professor Snape he’s raised his wand
and then we heard those awful words
Avada Kedavra

CHORUS

Now Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff they’re grand,
as we prepare our last stand
Dumbledore is not here to lead;
His army’s ready anyway,
It’s all been building toward this day;
the Death Eaters gather meaning to succeed

In Hogwarts’ halls the war was waged,
Some warriors fell, yet the battle raged
Oh, God he just killed Lupin;
No, Tonks, what are you doin’?
And Neville Longbottom killed the snake,
the one who had killed Professor Snape
For his parents’ and for Harry’s sake,
No more Lord Voldemort, and we’re all cryin’ bye-bye

CHORUS

Number Four Privet Drive, no more Harry,
We can’t tarry now the end has arrived.
Wave to Dumbledore, Fred Weasley, Hedwig, Mad Eye
Sobbin’ “can’t believe we’re sayin’ goodbye”

 

I Count to Ten July 2, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — melissaltatum @ 10:46 am

I Count to Ten
lyrics by Mel Tatum
tto: Margaritaville

This song is one of those “cathartic” filks, written to work through my reactions to finding out, when I went to close my tab at a hotel bar one Saturday night, that the bartenders had lost my credit card. The bartenders handled the discovery very well (ie, they apologized and waived my tab) but I wasn’t real happy. I promptly went to my room to cancel the card, only to find out that the credit card company’s computers were down for 24 hours for maintenance, and they could take a paper report, but could not put a stop on the card. By that point, sleep was so not happening, and I decided a little filk therapy was in order – and thus this song was born.

Had a great evenin’
Time to be leavin’
Head to the bar to settle my bill
Bartender tells me
I make her repeat
“Ma’am, I’m sorry we have lost your card.”

I count to 10 again while they search the bar
lookin’ for my lost credit card
bartender swears it’s just an oversight
I don’t care –
I’m really pissed off.

Okay, I give up.
It’s not gonna show up
It’s time to call and cancel the card
Wouldn’t you know it
System is broken
“Ma’am, I’m sorry, we can’t take your call.”

I count to 10 again while they transfer me
cancelin’ my lost credit card
Fraud alert says I won’t be liable
I don’t care –
I’m really pissed off.

I have no plastic
I’m waitin’ on Fed Ex
They’re gonna bring my new credit card
but in the meantime
I’ll have a good time
I’m plotting and planning revenge oh so sweet

I count to 10 again as I write this song
documenting my lost credit card
If you should drink at a Radisson bar
Don’t run a tab
on your credit card.

If you should drink at a Radisson bar
Don’t run a tab
on your credit card