Mel's Filk

Mel Tatum's Filk Lyrics

Home Repair September 25, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — melissaltatum @ 2:48 am

Home Repair
by Mel Tatum
tto: Lovely Ladies (from Les Mis)

Sheets of plywood
waiting in the drive
stacks of shingles, roofing nails
and oh dear god alive

Brand new nail gun
but it’s on the fritz
clear the barrel, pull the trigger
I can’t find the glitch

Which way means the safety thingy’s on?

CHORUS: Project waiting,
hear the siren sing
power tools and shiny screws
and nuts and bolts and things
Fix thing mend that
do it all day long
save some money, have some fun
whatever could go wrong?
Hear the distant sirens wail their song….

Shower head, it
trickles and it drips
got a fancy new one, it
has six speeds, it’s a pip

Got a wrench, this
time I read the book
got a step stool and
some extra light so I can look

Sweetheart, did you turn the water off?

CHORUS

Ceiling fan, we
need one in the den
spent the bucks for turbo speed
so I will put it in

Get my tool box
measured, cut the hole
lined up the tools I’ll need
this time I’m on a roll

Did you turn the circuit breaker off?

CHORUS

 

Twitter July 26, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — melissaltatum @ 11:47 pm

While this is not a true story, it is true that my husband is a Twitter addict and I have been known to say “Back away from the iPhone”

Twitter
by Mel Tatum
to the tune of Lucille (as sung by Kenny Rogers)

When I sneezed at his cologne, he took out his iPhone
and he started to peck at the keys
as I kept on sneezing
I saw he was tweeting
and he was ignoring my plight
as my eyes started to blur
He said I must twitter
that your brains just came out your nose
I’ll tell those who follow
you can’t even swallow
cuz that is the kind of thing they want to know

Through gray fading vision
I helplessly squinted
and thought of his priorities
His wife is not breathing
and he’s calmly tweeting
it’s cyber crack, e-heroin
It is so addictive
He’s lost all perspective
For a minute I thought I was dead
Then I started breathing
and soon I was seething
I turned to my husband and said

You picked a fine time to twitter, you jerk
I’m aspirating and my lungs will not work
Back off the iPhone
I’ll find it a new home
I’ll shove it where the sun doesn’t shine
you picked a fine time to twitter, you jerk

Once I recovered, I grabbed for his iPhone
it was time he went cold turkey
I looked for a hammer, he started to stammer
Now I was the one ignoring
And when I had finished, it lay there all squished
I wiped both my hands of debris
I was triumphant; he stood there struck dumb
I hollered with my victory

You picked a fine time to twitter, you jerk
I’m aspirating and my lungs will not work
Back off the iPhone
I’ll find it a new home
I’ll shove it where the sun doesn’t shine
you picked a fine time to twitter, you jerk

 

Number Four Privet Drive – with a NEW VERSE July 3, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — melissaltatum @ 6:08 pm

Number Four Privet Drive
by Mel Tatum
tto: Don MacLean’s “American Pie”

WARNING SPOILER ALERT WARNING SPOILER ALERT – critical plot elements (and much of the ending) of book seven of the Harry Potter series are mentioned in this song – WARNING SPOILER ALERT

JK Rowling wrote a tale we’ll all remember,
of those wizards, witches, magic lore.
Harry, Ron, Hermione, adventures they were guaranteed,
and maybe they’ll be able to win the war

Professor Snape he made us shiver;
Lord Voldemort had us all a-quiver
The Dursleys were insipid;
who didn’t love that Hagrid?

The sorting hat said Gryffindor;
we met Headmaster Dumbledore
The crowds at Quidditch they did roar,
Beware the hidden door, So bye-bye,

Number Four Privet Drive, no more Harry,
We can’t tarry now the end has arrived.
Wave to Dumbledore, Fred Weasley, Hedwig, Mad Eye
Sobbin’ “can’t believe we’re sayin’ goodbye”;
thankin’ God that Harry survived

Hogwart’s teachers are strange ones
Who would be yor-or favorite one?
Sprout was Herbology,
or Sybill “crazy” Trelawney
Or Horace Slughorn could it be?
Or even that McGonagall maybe?

You should watch out for that Hippogriff,
and centaurs must not be tangled with
and those flobberworms, just eeeww;
hey, avoid those blast-ended skrewts!

Draco Malfoy, he’s a slime;
Crabbe and Goyle they are never far behind
Hey, Salazar Slytherin kind, soon it will go awry,
you’ll join us cryin’ bye-bye

CHORUS

Moaning myrtle has the clue,
you need a basilisk tooth,
to breath just eat gillyweed,
accio it is the spell you need,
see a patronus, dementors flee;
expelliarmus it is handy

And the dragon who-oo caused such flack,
she was a Norwegian Ridgeback
Viktor Krum was adored;
Bill loves Fleur Delacour
Look at Harry kiss that girl Cho Chang,
that was before he was betrayed
Now his attention is waylaid, by Ginny Weasley!
We were cryin’, bye-bye

CHORUS

Winky, Dobby are house elves,
SPEW said free them to be themselves
No, wait the trophy’s a portkey;
Tom Riddle killed Cedric Diggory
then he turned to curse Harry,
who flees, only to face the fake Moody

Unleashed, the dementors hunt him down;
Minister Fudge is a clueless clown
Defense Club, it was banned,
Death Eaters walk the land
The Dailey Prophet is deranged;
and thanks to Bellatrix Lestrange
With her curse everything did change,
the day that Padfoot died,
We were cryin’ bye-bye

CHORUS

Now they are back for another year
Potions class it will hold no fear
thanks to the book of the Half-Blood Prince
But Draco he’s fixed that Cabinet
the one in the Room of Requirement
it’s the start of some terrible events

Dumbledore he’s tracked a Horcrux down
thanks to skill and luck they did not drown
But their luck, it unwound
once back on Hogwarts’ ground
Harry is frozen and he can’t respond
Professor Snape he’s raised his wand
and then we heard those awful words
Avada Kedavra

CHORUS

Now Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff they’re grand,
as we prepare our last stand
Dumbledore is not here to lead;
His army’s ready anyway,
It’s all been building toward this day;
the Death Eaters gather meaning to succeed

In Hogwarts’ halls the war was waged,
Some warriors fell, yet the battle raged
Oh, God he just killed Lupin;
No, Tonks, what are you doin’?
And Neville Longbottom killed the snake,
the one who had killed Professor Snape
For his parents’ and for Harry’s sake,
No more Lord Voldemort, and we’re all cryin’ bye-bye

CHORUS

Number Four Privet Drive, no more Harry,
We can’t tarry now the end has arrived.
Wave to Dumbledore, Fred Weasley, Hedwig, Mad Eye
Sobbin’ “can’t believe we’re sayin’ goodbye”

 

I Count to Ten July 2, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — melissaltatum @ 10:46 am

I Count to Ten
lyrics by Mel Tatum
tto: Margaritaville

This song is one of those “cathartic” filks, written to work through my reactions to finding out, when I went to close my tab at a hotel bar one Saturday night, that the bartenders had lost my credit card. The bartenders handled the discovery very well (ie, they apologized and waived my tab) but I wasn’t real happy. I promptly went to my room to cancel the card, only to find out that the credit card company’s computers were down for 24 hours for maintenance, and they could take a paper report, but could not put a stop on the card. By that point, sleep was so not happening, and I decided a little filk therapy was in order – and thus this song was born.

Had a great evenin’
Time to be leavin’
Head to the bar to settle my bill
Bartender tells me
I make her repeat
“Ma’am, I’m sorry we have lost your card.”

I count to 10 again while they search the bar
lookin’ for my lost credit card
bartender swears it’s just an oversight
I don’t care –
I’m really pissed off.

Okay, I give up.
It’s not gonna show up
It’s time to call and cancel the card
Wouldn’t you know it
System is broken
“Ma’am, I’m sorry, we can’t take your call.”

I count to 10 again while they transfer me
cancelin’ my lost credit card
Fraud alert says I won’t be liable
I don’t care –
I’m really pissed off.

I have no plastic
I’m waitin’ on Fed Ex
They’re gonna bring my new credit card
but in the meantime
I’ll have a good time
I’m plotting and planning revenge oh so sweet

I count to 10 again as I write this song
documenting my lost credit card
If you should drink at a Radisson bar
Don’t run a tab
on your credit card.

If you should drink at a Radisson bar
Don’t run a tab
on your credit card

 

This Here’s Bon Temps

Filed under: Uncategorized — melissaltatum @ 10:34 am

This Here’s Bon Temps
lyrics by Mel Tatum
tto: Master of the House (Les Mis)

This here’s Merlotte’s the local bar
We welcome all despite who you are
You must behave, that is our rule
No starting fights or wrecking the stools
And if you are wise
you’ll heed our advice
cuz some things may not be
what they seem to be

Shifter at the bar, vampire in a booth
Oh my god, I think that he just said forsooth!
It’s a little weird, knowing that he’s dead
knowing that he watched a French king lose his head
We’re a crossroads here in Bon Temps
Everything from Were to Fey
So do not be surprised
when you find that dog is not a stray!

Check out our barmaid, Sookie is her name
She is special in a telepathic way
Serving up the beer, handling the crowd
Pickin’ up their stray thoughts when they broadcast loud
Tara thinks her date is boring
Jason thinks he’s getting laid
No wonder she likes vampires
It’s because they have a quiet brain

Eric runs a bar; Pam she helps him out
Fangtasia is fun of that you cannot doubt
Look around the room, fang bangers galore
Who needs that New Orleans anymore?
We’ve got our own local vampires
That’s enough for us ‘round here
So keep Jean-Claude and Asher
Really! We don’t need them to appear!

His name is Bill, he’s back in town
it’s been awhile, he roamed around
they’re after him, his blood to drain
But thanks to Sookie, he is okay
Sookie’s head o’er heels
words they don’t convey
She really does not care
What her friends will say

[NOTE: skip musically to the last verse]

Sookie and the Vamp
Setting tongues to wag
You would think that no one here had ever shagged
Vampires are real, time to readjust
Southerners must let loose of their prejudice
Some of them are going mainstream
they’ve achieve a life long dream
They are drinkin’ that True Blood
Even if it tastes like crud!
You cannot deny that life in Bon Temps is forever changed!

 

Nothing New

Filed under: Uncategorized — melissaltatum @ 10:23 am

Nothing New
lyrics by Mel Tatum
tto:  Cat’s in the Cradle

A song arrived just the other day
It came to my brain in the usual way
and there’s a phrase to snatch, a bar to save
I sat down and began to play
it was building ‘fore I knew it, and as it grew
I said, “Shit you’re really nothing new. Crap, I’ve written nothing new.”

I’ve got cats a-blazin’ and an elf to court
Argo’s pissed off and we’re banned from the port
Forty-seven verses and there’s no end
Guess I’ve got to start again
Shit, I’ve got to start again

The song called me just the other day
it said, “you can do this, try this turn of phrase
So I gave it a whirl but it’s still cliched
I’ve got some work to do,” I said with dismay.
So I stomped away, with a snarl and a glare
Hissed, “you are nothing new. Still. Shit, you’re still nothing new.”

I’ve got cats a-blazin’ and an elf to court
Argo’s pissed off and we’re banned from the port
Forty-seven verses and there’s no end
Guess I’ve got to start again Shit, I’ve got to start again

Well, it haunted a dream just the other day
So lovely a tune, I just had to play
Song, I’m proud of you, I think you’re right this time
Tears filled my eyes, cuz it sounded just fine
As I played it again, it said “pleased to meet thee
I’m Legolas. Mary sings of me.”

I’ve got cats a-blazin’ and an elf to court
Argo’s pissed off and we’re banned from the port
Forty-seven verses and there’s no end
Guess I’ve got to start again Shit, I’ve got to start again

I’d long given up and put the song away
when it popped up again like a ghost from the grave
It said, “It’s been awhile could be now’s the time”
Then it spun a tale that captured my mind
You see, there’s a train and a boat and a bus with some kids
And when I asked where it started, he said
With the Easthill Mining Crew
And as I shook my head, it occurred to me,
Shit, still nothing new. My song was nothing new.

I’ve got cats a-blazin’ and an elf to court
Argo’s pissed off and we’re banned from the port
Forty-seven verses and there’s no end
Guess I’ve got to start again
Shit, I’ve got to start again

 

Urban Legend June 19, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — melissaltatum @ 12:42 am

Urban Legend
lyrics by Mel Tatum
tto:  Brooke Lunderville’s The Wreck of the Crash of the Easthill Mining Disaster
 

Let me tell you the story, and I swear that it’s true,
of the six drunken frat boys who needed to pee

They were hazing new pledges out near the train track,
so a bathroom was certainly something they lacked
Their urine streams hit direct on the third rail,
as they stood shocked and buzzing the train whistle wailed

Let me tell you the story, and I swear that it’s true,
of the newly flat penny and the six drunken frat boys who needed to pee

Two daring children were breaking curfew,
so they could flatten their pennies that were shiny and new
the train hit the coins and without warning it soared,
straight into the van with a family on board

Let me tell you the story, and I swear that it’s true,
of the tiny babe trapped in the car, newly flat penny and the six drunken frat boys who needed to pee

The family was headed home from Gran’s birthday,
when a train came from nowhere, much to their dismay
the rescuers they dug out the mom and the dad.
and the next day they found something terribly sad

Let me tell you the story, and I swear that it’s true,
of the fireman’s invention, tiny babe trapped in the car, newly flat penny, and the six drunken frat boys who needed to pee

That fireman was checking his report to complete,
when he found the babe hidden underneath the back seat
It survived the train crash but it died of the cold,
Baby on Board signs were born, millions were sold

Let me tell you the story, and I swear that it’s true,
of the Baby on Board signs, fireman’s invention, tiny babe trapped in the car, newly flat penny, and the six drunken frat boys who needed to pee

The signs were intended to save children’s lives,
and alert rescue crews who at crash scenes arrive
so that never again would babes be ignored,
but instead people laughed and made signs casting scorn

they said Baby is Driving
And they said Husband is in Trunk
And they said Baby is Closer than it Appears

And suddenly a man found a use for orange kittens and those leftover suction cup doohickeys creating a brand new cottage industry whose unlikely social repercussions triggered a really stupid new fad!
Ohhhhh!

And that was the story, the urban legend … of the Garfield-covered passenger side windows, the yellow baby parody sign things, Baby on Board signs, fireman’s invention, tiny babe trapped in the car, newly flat penny, and the six drunken frat boys who needed to pee

 

Do You Watch a News Show? May 31, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — melissaltatum @ 4:03 am

Do You Watch a News Show
by Mel Tatum
tto: Do You Hear What I Hear?

Said the pundit to the audience
I am Bill O’Reilly
Fox News airs my show, you should watch
I am Bill O’Reilly

I earn my pay
voicing what I think
I inspired Stephen Colbert
I’m annoyed by Stephen Colbert

To the right of Rush and the left of God
I am Michael Savage
On your AM dial, hear my show
I am Michael Savage

the liberals
froth about the mouth
when confronting my rhetoric
they’re appalled by my rhetoric

If you want some aggressive questioning
I am Nancy Grace
You can watch me on CNN
I am Nancy Grace

I prosecute
scumbag criminals
I seek justice real zealously
never mind the court sanctioned me

are you fed up, want alternatives?
Watch the Daily Show!
Seeking news, truth and honesty?
Watch the Daily Show!

Watch Jon Stewart
skewer sacred cows
with his wit and sharp pointed tongue
with his wit and sharp pointed tongue

 

That T-Rex Sue

Filed under: Uncategorized — melissaltatum @ 3:58 am

That T-Rex Sue
by Mel Tatum
tto: A Boy Named Sue

A dinosaur bone is all I want,
just a little somethin’ I can flaunt
a bit of fossil or a stegosaurus tooth,
but then I heard about a real big find
and deep inside I knew it was meant to be mine,
that tyrannosaur, the one that they named Sue

Well at first I couldn’t believe my ears,
more T-rex bones than they’d found in years
so much better than a pterodactyl.
We owe the find to Sue Hendrickson
but the bones are in that Field Museum.
I tell you, I gotta get that T-Rex Sue

Well the bones were found on private land,
located within the Sioux Nation
and held in trust by the U.S. Government.
And if you think that that sounds perplexing
the lawsuit got even more vexing;
the judge needed the wisdom of Solomon

The skeleton was sent to be auctioned;
I knew there was no time for caution
so I ran and emptied out my bank accounts.
The bidding began at 10:15
And soon I watched in disbelief,
as the bidding topped eight million dollars

Well, I knew I didn’t have that kind of cash,
and the idea of credit made my bank laugh
my only option was to turn to a life of crime.
An inside job looked to be the way
To get me in position to survey,
the best way . . .
I could steal Sue, and make her mine –
I had to have her!

Well, sure I have a velociraptor,
a brontosaur, a triceratop
But I am not complete without that T-rex Sue.
I schemed and plotted and dreamed and planned
and as soon as I got the lay of the land,
I was sneakin’ in the back in the middle of the night

I really thought I’d planned it all,
from the laser beams to the cameras on the wall
I’d come prepared to avoid detection.
I brought some tools to take apart the bones
and to haul them I had a wheelbarrow.

I went right to work cuttin’ apart the skeleton
And soon I had a real neat pile,
one leg dis-assembled from toe to thigh
when I remembered the skull on display was a replica.
So I opened the case that held the real skull
And I reached inside and started to pull,
and I learned the damned thing weighed six hundred pounds

Well I tugged and pushed til I felt my strength sap,
and deep inside my back something snapped
I dropped like a rock, writhing in terrible pain;
and when the staff arrived to start the day
they found me still there on the ground where I lay,
clutching a single tyrannosaurus tooth

I admitted defeat and I threw down the bone,
and I called my lawyer, and I said with a groan
I think I’m gonna spend some time in the pen.
Every time I talk to school children
as part of my rehabilitation,
When they ask about a hobby, I pause and suggest
Stamps or coins! Not dinosaur bones!
Anything but that!

 

King of the Hacks

Filed under: Uncategorized — melissaltatum @ 3:51 am

King of the Hacks
by Mel Tatum
tto: Devil Went Down to Georgia

The panel was gettin’ started
it was listin’ bad sci fi flicks
tell us who’s the one who can make fans run
put some actors into the mix

We all looked across the table waitin’ for
someone to say what we all know
and the first one leaned into the microphone
and said this is an easy task.

There isn’t any question
We know who’s acting is the worst
And if you really need a hint
he’s known as James T. Kirk

now we can discuss who’s second best
there’s still an ho-ur to go
but there is just no race for that first place
cuz William Shatner is that bad.

The last one on the panel
leaned to the microphone
Said I have a name, that puts him to shame
I’d say Shatner’s been surpassed.

Kevin Costner is the one
the only one you need
his presence is as good as gold
a virtual guarantee
the list of films that he has
wrecked would really make you hurl
but I need only mention Waterworld

The panel looked a little stunned
as they thought the matter through
and sound rose from the mutterings
as their realization grew

and they thought back to the film’s release
and the audience it winced
Then their voices rose and broke loose
and it sounded something like this

Hmmmmm
Hmmmmm
Waterworld was really bad; it’s really really bad
I paid my money saw the film and thought that I’d been had
But ooooooohhhhhhh, Gooooooooooddd
I don’t knooooooooooow
I don’t know if it’s bad enough bad enough to outweigh forty years forty years of Captain James T Kirk.
I just don’t know…..I don’t know….
Hmmmmmm

when the outburst stopped and settled down
We said that’s food for thought
Then she said if that’s not enough, just let
me point out The Postman

How could you ruin David Brin?
One of the worst films that’s ever been
Check it with the critics, they all did frown
Siskel and Ebert said
Two thumbs down!

The people bowed their heads
witnessed the passing of the realm
Transferred the crown and scepter
to the new man at the helm
but we said “Shatner just come on back
if you want ever want to try again
for you did rule once, as king of the hacks
you were the worst that’s ever been

and they said
There’s a new king now, Shatner’s out
Kevin holds the title, there’s no doubt
and if you need more proof say Robin Hood
And I could go on list
Wyatt Earp

and they said
There’s a new King now, Shatner’s out
Kevin holds the title, there’s no doubt
I could go on, continue listin’ films
but I’ve made my case on
Costner’s gills.