Mel's Filk

Mel Tatum's Filk Lyrics

The Cell Phone Murders September 13, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — melissaltatum @ 4:46 am

The Cell Phone Murders
Words © 2010 Melissa L. Tatum
(can be sung to the tune of The Spoons Murder)

In a rest’raunt one night we were sitting
We had us a date night at last
A lovely merlot we were sipping
When the waiter he served our repast
As we gazed at the medium rare t-bones
A disturbing sound came to our ears
Some idjit nearby had a cell phone
And was talking so loud we could hear

He was seated alone at his table
And he gestured and talked to thin air
We heard all about his Aunt Mable
how his roses need real special care
When the topic became his dalmation
my patience flew out of the nest
I turned ‘round without hesitation
And plunged my steak knife in his chest.

The medics and police responded
They pronounced him dead at the scene
The court said to find a bail bondsman
And to show up when trial was convened
In an effort to forget my troubles
I went to the new movie show
My temper it started to bubble
When I heard from behind me “hello?”

In the movie a battle was raging
Behind me came yakkedy-yak
I felt myself start disengaging
And preparing to launch an attack
When the call droned on for ten minutes
My anger flared out of control
I stopped both the phone and its transmit
By using it to play whack-a-mole

Once again I was led out in handcuffs
Arrested and taken to court
Where the district attorney got real tough
determined such conduct to thwart
he charged me with first degree killing
and two counts of disturbing the peace
I found the whole process quite chilling
I vowed my behavior would cease

The next day I took my bike riding
When I suddenly found myself prone
I’d been struck by a woman who was driving
while she chatted on her mobile phone
When she got out to check on my welfare
And I saw she continued her chat
I decided right then and right there
I’d vanquish her just like a gnat

I grabbed for her spiffy new smart phone
And I took it right out of her hand
with my first blow I shattered her cheekbone
and she dropped like a rock to the sand
From there things become rather hazy
the details are distant and vague
I guess that I went sort of crazy
so much for my vow to behave

Once again I was led out in handcuffs
this time taken straight off to jail
At trial the DA huffed and he puffed
it was clear that he thought he’d prevail
Then it was time for my own attorney
to address the court, argue for me
he took the jurors on a journey
traveling through their memories

He pointed out all the occasions
that were ruined by idjits on phones
he wrapped up his brilliant summation
with the adage glass houses and stones
My attorney reminded the jury
that each action of mine was provoked
the verdict came back in a hurry
Self defense, not guilty they wrote.

From then on each time I appeared
I received rounds of grateful applause
the people they chanted and cheered
they called for a new special law
those who talk on their cell phone in public
will deserve whatever they get
be that lashing with tongue or with drumstick
you are strongly advised you should quit.

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