Be Our Pest
by Mel Tatum
tto: Disney’s Be Our Guest (Beauty and the Beast)
Writers near and far, it is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure that we welcome your
presence. And now we entreat you to sit back and pull up a chair as the program chair
proudly presents – your invite!
Be our pest! Be our pest! Put our patience to the test.
Bring your ego to the con, cherie, and we’ll treat it the best
Panels g’lore – you want more? Why, we’re happy to comply
Ask the concom; they’re officious! Don’t believe us? Don’t turn vicious!
You can nag, you can whine; We’ll still think that you’re divine!
Our convention here is never second best
Go on, please check your schedule, reply yes, and then you’ll
Be our pest! Yes, our pest! God, our pest!
Autograph – Reading slot – Fans to worship at your feet
We’ll be sure and bring some editors to meet and greet!
You can pitch your ideas for a new anthology
You should know our guest of honor Appin Dungannon’s amazing!
We want more! Just like him – to denigrate the fen!
Our hotel has perfect space, that you can bet
Come on and lift your pen, say you’ll come meet the fans
and be our pest! Wait, our guest!
Be our pest! Be our pest! May we humbly suggest
When you are on a panel, Why not say that you’re the best?
Moderate! Dominate! Why let others have a say?
It’s a treat for any listener – Don’t believe us? Ask the con chair!
Droning on! Dropping names! What an entertaining time!
How could anyone be bored, dissatisfied?
The fen will cry “no more!”But we will block the door
So, be our pest! Wait, our guest! No, our pest!
It’s a pest! No a guest! Sakes alive, I must confess!
Glad you’re here, but where’s the beer? No, where’s my valium RX?
That guest there, he’s a boor – Always wanting more and more
While the guests do their beg-beggin’, I’ll be shuffling, I’ll start laggin’
Try to find panel slots – Heaven’s sakes! Now she wants what?
Tell her no! Or the schedule will be a mess!
We’ve got a lot to do! To add one track or two? For you, our guest!
You’re our Pest! Yes our pest! your requests we aim to fill
Who cares we have no hair? All becuz you’re a pill!
You want this, you want that – Jesus, god, please cut it out!
While the convention is still going, We can help you, We’ll keep going
day by day, til you’ve won’ – Til staff shouts, “Enough! We’re done!”
Then we’ll pack you off to travel to your home
At dead dog, we’ll all collapse, and complain you surpassed last year’s pests!
Be our guest! Sigh, our pest! Please, be our guest!