I hear you sing a new song with a tune i love and i’m like Filk you
Why should i write my own music, yours is so good, i can Filk you! And filk her too!
when i sing you the new lines, you’ll think that they’re so fine
I’ll win a Pegasus
trophy clutched to my chest I will wish you the best cuz I
Filked you!

I’m so happy, gonna steal from Kathy
You cant go wrong with a song by Mar
I keep on stealin’, steal something catchy
Wanna get you singin in your car

I need a new tune to set some lyrics to
So steal from the best will ya
Steal only the best will ya
Ooooooh!  I’ve got a song for you
Yeah so it’s based on a tune I stole

(chorus)

Now i know, that i had to borrow,
Beg and steal and lie and cheat
Writin new music, I need a tunesmith
Cuz everything I write sounds weak

I need a new tune to set some lyrics to
So steal from the best will ya
Steal only the best will ya
Ooooooh!  I’ve got a song for you
Yeah so it’s based on a tune I stole

Chorus

Hey Gary, Larry, Mary, I am gonna gonna steal from your song
Your song, your song, your song
I tried again write a tune but it all just came out so wrong
So wrong so wrong so wrong
Uh! Whhhy? Uh! Whhhy? Uh!
What is wrong?! I give up!
I won’t write music

(chorus)

My brother showed me his secret fort
And taught me to play his favorite sport
The winner was the one who made a wiccan mad
We’d sit right there in the forest glen
And throw out insults now and again
And we’d hope for a night the wiccans went skyclad

CHORUS:
Tauntin the wiccans, pokin and pickin
Tease one, Bait one, bully one, plague one
Dont matter just as long as the game’s won 
If Mama finds out, we’ll catch another lickin’
‘Cause Mama don’t like nobody tauntin the wiccans 

I remember last year on the night of Beltane
Me and bubba was playin’ our game  
I was winning this round when mama came flying thru the trees
She said cut that out boy, the circle’s not cast
it’s too late Ma, the demon done run past
The look on her face said i’d better get down on my knees

(Bridge:) Even though it wasn’t right,
Me and bubba side by side,
Out in the forest at midnight
Tryin’ get  a wiccan to bite.

Chorus

I was sittin in the treehouse dozin’ a bit
When suddenly i felt my innards shift
I heard the priestess of the coven whisper my name
I thought of all the magic I’d seen
And then I thought of what she could do to me
And I decided it was time to rethink my part in the game 

Chorus

Lurking in shadows and stalking my victims
It gives me great pleasure to pick out the next one
I like the ones who eat oatmeal with cream
I guess you could call it a cereal thing

When I see pilgrims and oats on a package
I cannot help it, I become a savage
sneak in the bedroom and cut out their heart
eat it with oatmeal and then I depart

When the dog growls
When the wind shrieks
When you feel alarmed
You shouldn’t ignore the sound of the stair creak
Because I intend you harm

A task force was formed by the local police
Its focus is getting the murders to cease
They’re trying to figure out how I will choose
But I am careful and haven’t left clues

When the dog growls
When the wind shrieks
When you feel alarmed
You shouldn’t ignore the sound of the stair creak
Because I intend you harm

In a rest’raunt one night we were sitting
We had us a date night at last
A lovely merlot we were sipping
When the waiter he served our repast
As we gazed at the medium rare t-bones
A disturbing sound came to our ears
Some idjit nearby had a cell phone
And was talking so loud we could hear

He was seated alone at his table
And he gestured and talked to thin air
We heard all about his Aunt Mable
how his roses need real special care
When the topic became his dalmation
my patience flew out of the nest
I turned ‘round without hesitation
And plunged my steak knife in his chest.

The medics and police responded
They pronounced him dead at the scene
The court said to find a bail bondsman
And to show up when trial was convened
In an effort to forget my troubles
I went to the new movie show
My temper it started to bubble
When I heard from behind me “hello?”

In the movie a battle was raging
Behind me came yakkedy-yak
I felt myself start disengaging
And preparing to launch an attack
When the call droned on for ten minutes
My anger flared out of control
I stopped both the phone and its transmit
By using it to play whack-a-mole

Once again I was led out in handcuffs
Arrested and taken to court
Where the district attorney got real tough
determined such conduct to thwarthe charged me with first degree killing
and two counts of disturbing the peace
I found the whole process quite chilling
I vowed my behavior would cease

The next day I took my bike riding
When I suddenly found myself prone
I’d been struck by a woman who was driving
while she chatted on her mobile phone
When she got out to check on my welfare
And I saw she continued her chat
I decided right then and right there
I’d vanquish her just like a gnat

I grabbed for her spiffy new smart phone
And I took it right out of her hand
with my first blow I shattered her cheekbone
and she dropped like a rock to the sand
From there things become rather hazy
the details are distant and vague
I guess that I went sort of crazy
so much for my vow to behave

Once again I was led out in handcuffs
this time taken straight off to jail
At trial the DA huffed and he puffed
it was clear that he thought he’d prevail
Then it was time for my own attorney
to address the court, argue for me
he took the jurors on a journey
traveling through their memories

He pointed out all the occasions
that were ruined by idjits on phones
he wrapped up his brilliant summation
with the adage glass houses and stones
My attorney reminded the jury
that each action of mine was provoked
the verdict came back in a hurry
Self defense, not guilty they wrote.

From then on each time I appeared
I received rounds of grateful applause
the people they chanted and cheered
they called for a new special law
those who talk on their cell phone in public
will deserve whatever they get
be that lashing with tongue or with drumstick
you are strongly advised you should quit.

note: a special thanks to Seanan for being so gracious about having her work filked (and that is said in all seriousness and not at all sarcastically – Seanan has seen this and was very gracious, and that was even after she heard me sing at Marcon this weekend!)

Golly it’s a songwriter! But she looks so sad! What’s wrong?

I’m not just a songwriter. I’m a law professor, specializing in the study of fair use and copyright

And it is parody that has me worried today

Parody? Why is that?

Well I wrote a song whose tune I borrow from Seanan McGuire
and I really do not want to get a letter to enquire
will i cease and stop my use it is infringing on her right
I really do not want to be a part of that whole fight

Why not?

The fair use doctrine stems from common law adjudication
It’s not black and white, it’s gray, it’s subject to interpretation
It has four parts that must be analyzed and weighed and measured
And if you do it wrong the court will view you with displeasure

How does the test work?

The first part of the test looks at the purpose and the nature
Commercial use is looked on by the court with much disfavor
But you can overcome the bad initial first impression
Transformative is best, it constitutes a new expression

What’s transformative?

Transformative is like a kinda legal alchemy
It is a talismanic use of your creativity
It alters the first work enough to be a new expression
The derivative is now deserving of the law’s protection

isn’t writing new lyrics enough?

Maybe, a company called Acuff-Rose filed suit against some rappers
saying their defense of fair use should be thrown into the crapper
Parody is fair use if it follows the conditions
but figuring those out takes more than erudition

Speaking in technical legalese, Acuff-Rose makes as much sense as fleas
It’s not enough to merely satirize; you must have the original in your sights
It’s stupid but the court has taken a position
You cannot use the first work just to get attention
I want the law to let me use the fair use doctrine
Oh god I think I’m gonna need some oxycontin

What’s the rest of the test?

The second part is useless in the case of parodies
We know they borrow works that are protected as can be
So we skip right to the third part – is the copying substantial?
Does it take the core, the heart, or it merely incidental?

You said the test had four parts?

The fourth part says to look at how the market has reacted
is the value of the first work down or adversely impacted
if people find the new work an effective substitution
Then a court may find the market is in danger of dilution

How do the four parts relate to each other?

It’s like eye of newt and toe of bat and cooking up a potion
It all depends on who’s the judge and how they take a notion
It’s easier to cure a cold than say what will be legal
I want to curse the Court with a hemmoragic fever

Speaking in technical legalese, Acuff-Rose makes as much sense as fleas
It’s not enough to merely satirize; you must have the original in your sights
It’s stupid but the court has taken a position
You cannot use the first work just to get attention
I want the law to let me use the fair use doctrine
Oh god I think I’m gonna need some oxycontin

So what does that mean for your song?

Well Seanan’s song is all about the source of a contagion
This one’s all about avoiding fair use litigation
They both may be about a plague and how it’s a disaster
But to be legal I’m just gonna have to ask her

That apparently chewed on the edges of my brain because I woke up a few days ago with “Legolas’ Response” (to Mary Crowell’s “Legolas”) chomping to get out. Here it is:

Legolas’ Response
words by Melissa L. Tatum
tto: Legolas (Mary Crowell)

They like to watch me on the silver screen
Grown women become silly young pre-teens
They’re deranged. I need a change.
Could I please have a wart, or a laugh that snorts
Hey, Tolkien!

Don’t wanna look like someone to embrace
I don’t think elves need to be fair of face
But I am. Hey, writer man -
Can I have smelly breath, or look like death
I beg of you

Each time I venture outside
I run a gauntlet of four or five
I don’t wanna live this life
Before I explode, make me look like a toad
Please, Tolkien!

They creep me out always watching me
They’ve memorized every word and scene
Had enough – time to get rough
Change my looks right now or I swear somehow
I’ll do you in!

At first I thought it might be kinda cool
To have a face that made girls swoon and drool
I was wrong – it’s not the bomb
I can no longer bear girls who sigh and stare
Change how I look!

Last night I went out riding
And ended up in hiding
They keep chasing after me
Plastic surgery’s sounding pretty good to me
Change how I look

All I want to do is play my part
This really doesn’t have to be that hard
Listen up. Don’t be a chump.
Rewrite how I look right there in your book
Tolkien

I’m lookin’ at my ruined garden
at the mindless, random devastation, mmm hmm
Yesterday it neatly gleamed
this morning I just had to scream
For everthing it has been creamed
pillaged by a raiding team

Gnomes abound, they’re everywhere
Gnomes abound
Gnomes, where the flamingo’s laying
Gnomes, where the jockey’s praying
Gnomes, where the fountain’s spraying drunkenly at me

This garden was my pride and joy
Now it’s full of dying koi
and every plant’s turned upside down
azalea’s looking kinda brown
those bearded, fucking, grinning clowns
I’ll show them what it means to frown

Gnomes abound, they’re everywhere
Gnomes abound
Gnomes, where the flamingo’s laying
Gnomes, where the jockey’s praying
Gnomes, where the fountain’s spraying drunkenly at me

Tonight I plan to hunt them down
I’ll run those bastards to the ground
When morning comes, they’ll finally see
they never should have messed with me
They’ll rue the day I guarantee
I’ll turn them into fricassee

Gnomes abound, they’re everywhere
Gnomes abound
Gnomes, where the flamingo’s laying
Gnomes, where the jockey’s praying
Gnomes, where the fountain’s spraying drunkenly at me

In a rest’raunt one night we were sitting
We had us a date night at last
A lovely merlot we were sipping
When the waiter he served our repast
As we gazed at the medium rare t-bones
A disturbing sound came to our ears
Some idjit nearby had a cell phone
And was talking so loud we could hear

He was seated alone at his table
And he gestured and talked to thin air
We heard all about his Aunt Mable
how his roses need real special care
When the topic became his dalmation
my patience flew out of the nest
I turned ‘round without hesitation
And plunged my steak knife in his chest.

The medics and police responded
They pronounced him dead at the scene
The court said to find a bail bondsman
And to show up when trial was convened
In an effort to forget my troubles
I went to the new movie show
My temper it started to bubble
When I heard from behind me “hello?”

In the movie a battle was raging
Behind me came yakkedy-yak
I felt myself start disengaging
And preparing to launch an attack
When the call droned on for ten minutes
My anger flared out of control
I stopped both the phone and its transmit
By using it to play whack-a-mole

Once again I was led out in handcuffs
Arrested and taken to court
Where the district attorney got real tough
determined such conduct to thwart
he charged me with first degree killing
and two counts of disturbing the peace
I found the whole process quite chilling
I vowed my behavior would cease

The next day I took my bike riding
When I suddenly found myself prone
I’d been struck by a woman who was driving
while she chatted on her mobile phone
When she got out to check on my welfare
And I saw she continued her chat
I decided right then and right there
I’d vanquish her just like a gnat

I grabbed for her spiffy new smart phone
And I took it right out of her hand
with my first blow I shattered her cheekbone
and she dropped like a rock to the sand
From there things become rather hazy
the details are distant and vague
I guess that I went sort of crazy
so much for my vow to behave

Once again I was led out in handcuffs
this time taken straight off to jail
At trial the DA huffed and he puffed
it was clear that he thought he’d prevail
Then it was time for my own attorney
to address the court, argue for me
he took the jurors on a journey
traveling through their memories

He pointed out all the occasions
that were ruined by idjits on phones
he wrapped up his brilliant summation
with the adage glass houses and stones
My attorney reminded the jury
that each action of mine was provoked
the verdict came back in a hurry
Self defense, not guilty they wrote.

From then on each time I appeared
I received rounds of grateful applause
the people they chanted and cheered
they called for a new special law
those who talk on their cell phone in public
will deserve whatever they get
be that lashing with tongue or with drumstick
you are strongly advised you should quit.

note: tied for 3d place in 2009 OVFF Songwriting Competition

DA’s waiting, stalker chickie
Time to decide if you’re pleading guilty
I’m your lawyer, stalker chickie
It’s time you told me the whole story

Name is secret
Okay, Brad Pitt
He’s gonna leave his wife and all those kids
And there is Ben
he married Jen
But I know he’s really, truly in love with me
Reeeaaach, oh I reeaacch for the stars
They own my heart

I’m your lawyer, stalker chickie
You need to tell me the whole story

And Matt Damon
Private Ryan
One look from him my heart goes swoony-sigh
And Tom Hanks
well, I’ll be frank
His smile it oh, my, god, it turns my crank
Reeeaaach, oh I reeaacch for the stars
They own my heart

Ev’ry time I’m in their presence,
My heart goes pitter-pat
Just like a hound dog on a scent
I follow and take photographs

Oh my god you stalker chickie
they’ll lock you up and toss the key

Then I was served
with that order
The one that said to stay away or else
It’s the wives
It’s not my guys
Do you think I’ll get a chance to say goodbye?
Reeeaaach, oh I reeaacch for the stars
They own my heart

Listen to me, stalker chickie
You’re a weirdo, crazy, loony
Hear me tell you stalker chickie
Better hope the court shows mercy

This eternal life, it is so different than I guessed
Nights are long, just endless stretches of loneliness
So to answer you, it’s not a life I recommend
I know that’s not what you expect, but I cannot pretend

Countin’ hours til I die
endless stars up in the sky
of but one star do I dream
that’s the one forbidden me
as the sun arrives, I slink away in secrecy
and that’s my life, for eternity

Tonight’s the same as any night, I crawl out of my lair
Then I hunt and then I feed and then I try to care
I wander ‘round from town to town, but they are all the same
At times I wonder whether I should even learn their names

Countin’ hours til I die
endless stars up in the sky
of but one star do I dream
that’s the one forbidden me
as the sun arrives, I slink away in secrecy
and that’s my life, for eternity

Well I must go, the fingers of the dawn reach for the sky
but I long for one more glimpse of sun before I die
God, I want to feel its rays caress my bloodless face
I hear it calling, so I stay here wrapped in its embrace

Countin’ minutes til I die
favorite star up in the sky
and no longer do I dream
this will be the end of me
as the sun arrives, I close my eyes, and feel its rays
and that’s the way, I greet the day

yes that’s the way, I greet the day